Three Skills Necessary for Successful Cycle-Breaking
We all have parts of ourselves that we are confused by, do not understand, or struggle to accept. Everyone does. We have all been raised by imperfect human-beings and have been affected in different ways because of our experiences while growing up. This isn’t a bad thing, necessarily, it just is what it is. The exciting thing is that you don’t have to stay stuck in what is no longer working for you. You get to choose who you want to be and how you want to be.
The process of becoming aware of what those parts are for you and learning how to adjust yourself to what feels right for you is called cycle-breaking. It is possible for you to break the cycles in your life that are no longer serving you, or are no longer how you want to be. In order to do that, there are a few essential skills you must develop. The tough part about cycle-breaking is that the very skills you need to be successful are the opposite of the skills many of us internalized while growing up. It is likely that you took on the skills of self-abandonment, self-distrust, and self-judgment in order to navigate your life while growing up; this is especially true if your household was emotionally invalidating, emotionally neglectful, or your parents were emotionally immature.
Wondering if this is you? Here are a few learned protective mechanisms that exhibit these skills:
You put others’ needs before your own through people-pleasing and have difficulty setting boundaries. You might worry about others leaving you if they don’t need you. You ignore, or aren’t even aware of, your own needs, wants, wishes, or goals; maybe you tell yourself your needs aren’t important. As long as everyone else is happy, you are happy.
You are hyper-aware of your external environment and read the situations and people you are with so that you can match them and mask your own thoughts, feelings, opinions, and personality. You lack awareness of your internal experience, meaning you may struggle to know how you feel and what you feel in your mind and in your body; or you ignore what is there because you don’t think that what is within you is valid or important. You have a low self-esteem, lack self-confidence, seek external validation, and rely on others’ opinions to guide your decisions in life.
You have a strong inner-critic, experience negative self-talk, and struggle to love, appreciate, and feel compassion for yourself.
So, what skills do you need in order to be successful in the cycle-breaking process?
The three skills that I have found to be the most impactful to a person’s cycle-breaking journey are:
Self-Awareness
Self-Trust
Self-Curiosity
Everything about the cycle-breaking process is going to feel foreign, uncomfortable, and non-intuitive. You must learn to turn towards yourself when every skill you’ve learned up to this point has been wrapped around the belief that it is safer and better for everyone if you turn away from yourself. Therapy is the best resource available for you to develop the awareness, trust, and curiosity it takes to get to know who you actually are, not who you had to become to get through difficult times while growing up.
When we put intention, effort, and energy into healing ourselves, we heal every generation that will come after us. This is powerful, impactful, and life-changing work. It is possible and you have what it takes, if only you are willing to try.
Take care and be well, Cycle-breakers!
Alyssa
